SATURDAY, APRIL 18, 2009
My current inspiration in life is the ornery grin on his beautiful face (and might I say, identical to my face) when he is crying at 3am and I sleepily come into his room and he is standing at his crib, shaking the bars with the dire need to escape. It is the most amazing thing to me, that how when I am feeling and looking my worst, the sight of me soothes his immense despair and he turns into a bundle of giggles. Its pretty nice to be someone’s hero. Anything he needs or wants I am capable of taking care of. It feels pretty freaking awesome.
This, in turn, leads me to my rant of the moment… I am so.freaking.tired. I can not take getting up at 3am much longer. Even if it makes me a hero. Nothing, and I mean, nothing p!sses me off more to see DH snoring while I am aching from every inch of my body in pure exhaustion. Don’t get me wrong, DH is a great daddy and fun play thing, but I need a FREAKING nap! I just want to cry and cry and cry.
The following thoughts have crossed my mind
1. getting a hotel alone, so I could sleep.
2. taking enough melatonin and using good ear plugs so that I could sleep through the screaming (like DH does!) so he HAS to get up eventually.
3. sleeping in the car and parking said car a mile away from our house.
4. running away. (not permanently, however, just a day or so)
and a few other thoughts, that I wont make public, but anyone who’s been a mommy and suffered/is suffering from PPD, I know you understand. I have never in my life been so tired and frustrated and happy and sad, all at the same time.
DH is by no means lazy, in fact, he has more energy than anyone I know, he works hard at work and at home.
Probably because he gets a full night’s sleep every night. *sigh*
This leads me to inquire… Do you think this is why wives in ‘early days’ didn’t work outside the home? Because I’ll tell you, I know I am a great teacher, but this year, I am not my best. I’m not horrible, but I am not my best. I’m not my best because I’m overtired, cranky, and emotional. I think I did a better overall job last year while I taught from my rolly chair while prego! (I wasnt allowed on my feet. Actually, I wasnt allowed to be working.. shhhh..)
I love my class and truly, I get better at my job every year. I make small tweaks here and there and things get easier, kids get smarter and I learn right along with them. My students this year are so smart, inspiring and so FUNNY. I really do enjoy my class this year- they are the silliest group with the biggest personalities all mixed into one crazy room. The kids this year have taught me to pay attention to small stuff in life and not be so serious about the ‘big stuff’. My motto this year, told to me by 6 year old ST, “its really not that serious, Ms. Gumm” and she was beyond right.
But now that I am juggling mommy and teacher, its hard to swallow. I want to be the best I can be at both, mommy and teacher. I guess that’s the give and take of it all. Teachers, ‘back in the day’ were single, childless and expected to give every ounce of themselves to their students. Once they got married, they quit working and had babies. Its not like that anymore, but we are still expected to give our all to the students, or we are not considered ‘good enough’. Sometimes parents and other teachers look down upon the teachers who do not go that extra mile with every single kid. Its not that we don’t want to, its cause we need balance. Do all people take their jobs home with them? how do they do it? How do you balance out yourself between your child and family and 18 other children and their families? Gahhhh… and still have time for yourself?
Maybe I am being too hard on myself?
But more importantly, the gym would be time for myself. Time to read a book or magazine and run (ok, walk) on the treadmill. No one will talk to me there or ‘need’ me there. I dont really have any friends anymore so its not like I will run into anyone there. I think that is the only way I can break away from it all and be alone for an hour or so a day. and supposedly, working out gives you energy. We’ll see about that.